Like a drowning yoyo!

Anyone seen my enthusiasm lately? Yep, it's like that again!

Arrakis (Arri) - 22 months old

Lately I've been, well, all over the place, with most of it feeling rather grey and sludgy as I've tried to wade through a rather long patch of depression. Struggling to find the sunshine in the last few weeks, I've been spending far too many days staring at my computer screen, unable to find any enthusiasm to do much of anything, with only a flicker of interest in crafts on the odd occasion, and very much having a case of "too many minds" (from the movie "The Last Samurai"). During one of those "flicker" patches however, I got involved in a "Hometown" swap on Ravelry, which I'm actually a wee bit excited about, despite that numbing "greyness" of depression that throws a curtain over everything and keeps causing me to take rather long breaks. Thankfully I have 2 months (well, one month now) to complete this swap, so plenty of time. I've been running around finding lots of lovely little local (or at least NZ Made) goodies to include in the parcel, and have actually been having a LOT of trouble NOT going overboard! LOL! But, it has at least got me knitting again, with 3 projects currently on the go to include in this parcel. I will reveal photos of these projects once they have been sent off and received by my swap partner. ;o)

As you'll see, my camera has also started to get a bit of a workout lately, just a gentle one though. I've gotten several new rats lately... 3 young girls and an older boy who's quite probably a slightly younger sibling of Rufio (introduced a couple of posts ago), plus I am also currently looking after a young mumma rat and her accidental litter of 12 gorgeous bubs for a friend. I'm absolutely loving having babies to watch grow up again, and at least 2 will definitely be staying with me (which I am VERY excited about) after the others have all either gone back to my friend, or moved on to new homes. So of course there's been lots of photos of the new additions, and of course regular photos taken of mumma and her bubs to keep a record of them growing, plus a few photos of the rest of my ratty family, taken when I've been doing intros with my new boy, Sampson.

There is a bit of a story to Sampson too... as I said, he is quite probably a slightly younger sibling of Rufio's as he was at the petshop at the same time as Rufio when I brought my black boy home (Rufio had looked older than the other babies that had been there, as he was quite a bit bigger). I went in many weeks later and found there were 4 of the bubs who'd been there when Rufio was, still there. Two of them had started biting. :-/ So I started visiting semi-regularly, taking the two bitey boys out for cuddles... and not getting bitten even once... having nervous rat inexperienced petshop staff tends to lead to them not really knowing how to properly pick up an unsure male rat whose hormones are starting to kick in, plus of course they were barely getting handled at all in there. Both boys were actually very sweet, and I knew they simply needed to be taken home and given a lot of one-on-one attention to get them past these naughty habits they were picking up due to being caged on their own (poor Sampson will always have a seriously bumpy, scarred tail now after being attacked a few times by his brother when they'd been caged together, so they got put into separate cages), and getting bugger all handling. I had ONE space available at home, after having just lost one of my boys... but Rufio at that time was still unneutered, plus was starting to get a bit rougher with his playing and showing signs of his hormones kicking in, so I didn't want to risk having another unneutered male in the house at the same time. By this stage though, I'd had several cuddles with both boys, and was already falling just a little bit for them... then I went in and the dominant biter (Sampson was more of a fear biter, not dominant) had found a home (and apparently a really good one where he would get plenty of handling and be spoiled), so it was just Sampson left, and the 2 non-bitey brothers. Now I love the challenge of working with a rat like Sampson, but with the situation not quite being right for me to take him then, I suggested to one of the staff, who'd already been thinking of taking him and the other two boys home and working with them, but was worried there'd still be trouble finding them homes afterwards, that if she took Sampson home, once I'd gotten Rufio neutered, and saved up the $$ for a 2nd neuter (for Sampson), I'd take Sampson home to keep. So.. she did. He was there for several weeks, given the name of "Donkey Kong", but his biting got worse. Then one of her rats started to take a turn for the worst, and she was finding it rather hard to cope with that plus Sampson's biting getting worse, so she asked if I could take him sooner. I couldn't... so a friend of mine (the one whose ratty mum and litter I'm currently looking after) offered to take him until I could. A suggestion which I jumped at, as I knew I'd at least be able to visit him semi-regularly there, and I still really wanted to take him home, I just didn't want to take the risk of having a known biter when Rufio was being a snotty teen and threatening to bite occasionally. 2 hormanal boys to work with, while having a 4yr old son who loves feeding and patting the rats, so there was risk of fingers going in cages, was simply NOT a situation I was willing to put myself in. So.. Sampson went to my friends, and that was when I finally gave him the name Sampson, and would go over most weeks and cuddle with him for hours. He was cage aggressive mostly... out of the cage he was USUALLY pretty good. In fact he was rather sweet and even a bit goofy like Rufio. He didn't like me touching his back, and would usually back kick me if I tried... I think this was mostly because, due to his biting, he'd been taught that a hand in his cage or over him, was going to give him a hell of a fright because that was when he'd be suddenly snatched up to try and get him out of the cage while the person getting him tried to avoid being bitten. But as long as I stayed away from his back, and moved slowly around him, when he was out of the cage he was fine. My friend couldn't really work with him much due to working most days, so he was still getting hardly any handling, and still unneutered.
By this stage, I'd also adopted 3 new young girls: 2 girls my friend had rescued, & a girl that one of the other ratclubbers had rescued (along with the rest of her litter and a 2nd litter). A few weeks after they came home, Sampson's hormone issues got the better of him, and he attacked another rat, so my friend bundled him off to the vet for a quick neuter, and 3 weeks later, I was finally able to bring Sampson home! He's been here about a week now, and has made HUGE progress! I can put my hand in his cage without him attacking it, he'll take food ever so gently from my fingers, and he'll even let me pat him IN THE CAGE! He's still a wee bit uncertain about a hand above him, but he no longer back kicks me, and will let me catch him and take him out for cuddles, again, with no attempt to bite. He will sit on my shoulder happily for hours, and has had a couple of long intro sessions with the rest of the rats without anything more than a few of those back kicks of his when they'd get a bit too nosy and crowd him. He's easily overwhelmed by other rats, I'm guessing because he's been caged on his own for so long. So I'm currently working on getting him happy with the others on neutral territory, and really hoping to get him moved into the main cage with everyone else within the next week. I'm absolutely besotted with this boy now! Now that he's relaxed and is getting handling regularly (plus the neuter), he's turned into such a sweet cuddly boy, and I'm really glad I got him.

Anyway.. a few quick photos to introduce Sampson, plus a few of the others:

Happy Smiley Sampson

My 3 new girls: Katara (Kat), Maia, Nala

Kat (Nala's sister.. very licky, snuggly, & loves being out exploring)

Nala (Kat's sister.. like her sister, but a bit quieter & not as licky)

Queens of the cage, Mira on the left, new girl Maia on the right

Queens scrapping it out
These two are regularly squabbling as they BOTH want to be
TOP RAT!

Arri being a dork

Shy, nervous Nevyn (left), new girl Nala (right)

Rufio

my gorgeous Mira

Nevyn

Zuma (Arri's sister) 

Gimli (2.5yrs old) doing a hamster impression

Mira & Sampson

Old Nomble (2.5yrs old)
 both she and Gimli have nasty tumours, & lately I've been getting the feeling
I don't have much longer with Nomble. :o(

Nomble with her wonky nose

Family photo - with family squabble in the background.
Front row: Maia, Rufio (I THINK), Gimli
Middle row: Finn, Mira, Nomble
Squabbling at the back: brother and sister, Zuma and Arri
Missing: Storm, Sampson, Nala, Kat, & Nevyn

Box of crazies!

 And the mumma and babies I'm fostering (the babies are 10 days old today, but these photos were taken at a week old):

Mumma (Surya) washing

Mumma Surya

The boys: the one I'm definitely keeping is the one with the fat stripe at the top

Brothers snuggling

5 berky girls line up

Berky girl pile - failed

5 Hoodie girls line up

Hoodie girl pile

With getting back into the photography slowly, I've also been contemplating whether to have a 3rd (or would it be 4th?) attempt at trying a "365 Photography Project". I've seriously wanted to do this project for YEARS, but the 2-3 times I've tried it, I've failed in the very early days and really struggled to get back into it, so ended up just giving up. Need to find a way to KEEP me enthusiastic about it so I keep going! If I can at least keep the interest in photography going, even if for now it's just photos of the rats on a semi-regular basis, then maybe sometime very soon I'll be ready to try again. I definitely think it's a project well worth doing for any photographer... from what I've seen (and read) of others' projects, it can really help you grow as a photographer, and I know mine certainly needs pushing!

As for non photography or rat related news... a couple of months back I finally bought myself a push bike, just a cheap one, with the hope of getting out and exercising occasionally at least, plus giving me more freedom to get to more places for my photography without having to always rely on my partner for transport, or paying for the bus. So far, it's just stayed sitting in the garage... it's been YEARS since I've been on a bike, and I'm nervous enough in a car out on the roads, nevermind on a bike, so it's taking me a bit to work up the courage to get on it and take it for a "spin".

As for being nervous in the car though, that was recently made a lot worse. The kids, my partner and I were all out in the car about a week ago (the day after I brought Sampson home actually), when some woman went and rear ended our car! We had been sitting at the traffic lights, and she'd been paying more attention to her phone, so when we moved up a bit, she thought the lights had changed (as she didn't bother looking at the lights, just at her phone) and started driving.. straight into us, which of course gave us a damn good jolt and shove. Sore necks and a hell of a fright for everyone! I know it was only a minor accident, and could have been so much worse, but since then, especially on top of me already being a very nervous passenger, I just have NOT been able to face getting back in the car again! It's just not an option right now. This of course has made me far more of a hermit than usual... so between this & the depression, not much of anything is getting done these last few days. 

I know I need to work on this, to get past this fear of going in the car again, otherwise I'll miss out on so much! Especially as a few days before the accident, I FINALLY started making contacts with some of the homeschooling groups around the area. We've only been living up here what... nearly 2 years?!! This dang Hermit part of me really does take over a lot and make it a PITA to actually make friends, for me or my kids and partner! So, it's time to do something about it. Force myself out into the social world, even if it's just a little bit to start off with. Start with the homeschooling groups to help Mr12 make some new friends other than those he's made in scouts (Mr4 has plenty of little chums at daycare, but it would be great for both boys to have friends who were also homeschooled), and then hopefully later move onto the local photography group and craft group I've been made aware of as well. I've got until the 1st of next month to try and deal with this car thing.. as that's when Mr12's first homeschooling group classes are, which will mean driving out there to take him, plus getting to know some of the parents out there ourselves. NOT something I want to miss out on! *gulps*

So, there's been a lot going on, along with a lot of nothing going on, lately. My head is, although rather fuzzily through the depression, buzzing with so many ideas on areas of my life and ME that need changing/working on, I'm getting pulled in so many different directions that part of me just screams STOPPPPP, and shuts it down... refuses to do ANYTHING! Too many minds, too many minds! Arggg! Need to stop and really think about where to start... I KNOW where I want to GO! I KNOW the things I need to DO to get there! But when I look at all the things that I need/want to do to get there, it's really mind boggling and daunting, and scares the crap out of me... so I hide. I need to figure out where to START! Break it down into tiny little manageable pieces, and just find a starting point.

Hoping I can find the courage tomorrow (and that the weather co-operates) to get out of the house, even if it's just for a couple of hours, and head down to the lake. I need to clear my head, and that's rather hard to do sitting in the middle of this house, with everything that's adding to the frustration around me. Some time at the lake, with just the birds (and maybe my camera), to just sit and try to start unravelling this messy mass of strings of thought in my head to find the beginning.. yep.. I need it.

Until next time... hunting for a starting point!